Su-pah Ro-man-tic Advice
by loofahlover
Summary: Takes place post-Enies Lobby. Luffy goes to Franky for relationship advice, not knowing his new crewmate is just as romance-dumb. It's a miracle that no one's mind was permanently scarred from the ensuing chaos.


"Oi Franky!" Luffy barged into the workshop unannounced, as usual.

"Yeah?" Franky shut off his blowtorch and spun around the stool to face his captain.

"You know anything about a man's romance?"

Franky started to smirk. "Hell yeah I do! It's all about the armor!"

Luffy grinned right back. "Yeah!"

"And docking!"

"YEAH!"

"And the giant rrrrrobots!"

"YEEEEEEEAH! And relationships too, right?"

Franky stopped mid-pose. He sifted through his brain, but realized that he probably didn't know a thing about the 'romance' that Luffy-bro was actually looking for. But then again, he'd never let something as small as 'lack of knowledge' stop him in the past. So he stuck out a huge thumbs up. "Easy!"

"I knew I could count on you!" Luffy excitedly dropped into a sitting position with his legs crossed. "So the thing is, it hurts when I think about Zoro. How do I make it stop?"

"It hurts? Shouldn't you see Chopper for that?"

"I don't think this is something he can fix."

Franky frowned harder. He tried to think of a reason that the thought of another person would cause pain. His eyes widened in realization.

_No way. _

_Could it be?_

"You hate Zoro-bro or something?"

"What?! No! Nonono, I really like Zoro!" Luffy bit his lip. "Actually…I might like him too much."

"How the heck can you like someone too much?"

"Romantically. Except without the armor and stuff."

"Huh. So more like the sappy novel stuff. So you've been keeping it under wraps this whole time? Then your manly romance won't be going anywhere."

"I didn't want it to," Luffy explained. He pulled up his knees and rested his chin against them, rocking slightly on his butt. "I mean, Zoro's a nice guy. I know that he acts all super grouchy and yells at me when I do something stupid, but that's just cuz he's worried. And I don't wanna make him feel weird and guilty about me liking him."

"_Urgh._" Franky yanked out a tissue from the hidden compartment in his elbow. He wasn't crying, dammit! He was just sweating manly sweat through his eyes!

"Besides, he likes Sanji, and I don't wanna get in their way."

Franky was about to blow his nose when he stopped. "He does?"

"Yeah. Nami and Robin say it's why they always pick fights with each other. "

"I could have sworn the girls were joking about that." But Franky shrugs. Just another new thing he was learning today.

"So anyway, all I gotta go is make it stop hurting when I see Zoro, then I'll be good. Or should I just ignore it?"

"Neither!" Franky punched his fists together for dramatic effect. "It's too early to give up on your feelings like that, bro! You know what they say about love? It's a bloody battleground!"

Luffy widened his eyes, having never thought of it that way. Love, he didn't know how to deal with. But battles were a whole other thing.

"Curly-bro is the enemy, and Zoro-bro is the prize!"

"So I have to fight Sanji? But I don't wanna fight my nakama!"

"Sorry bro, but you'll have to. When men want something, they just gotta go for it, even if their friends are their greatest obstacle. For even when they are the most bitter of enemies, true friendship will survive the fires of battle."

Luffy could practically see Franky standing with a sunset to his back, waves crashing in the distance. "Wow, so cool!"

"Of course I am! Now first, what we gotta do is test the waters, see what kind of chances you have." He beckoned Luffy closer and whispered the plan into his ear. Then he reached into a nearby metal cabinet for something and stuffed it into Luffy's hands.

"Alright! So I just gotta put these on?"

"Yep! There's nothing manlier, after all! I'll give you five minutes before I tell Haramaki-bro to go see you in the men's quarters."

* * *

A while later, Luffy returned with a frown, which was a rare sight for him. He handed the borrowed pair of speedoes back to Franky. "They were too big. When I tried to do the SUPAH pose like you told me to, they fell off. And Zoro got so mad, blood exploded from his nose. Kinda like when Sanji sees pretty women."

Franky tapped his chin. He detected something off about that pattern of events.

Curly-bro got nosebleeds from pretty women.

Zoro-bro got a nosebleed from Luffy.

Luffy = pretty woman.

That could only mean one thing. So Franky couldn't help but clap a sympathetic hand onto Luffy's shoulder. "Luffy-bro. You're just not manly enough."

Luffy immediately got defensive. "Yes I am!"

"Well yeah, you're pretty damn tough when it comes to picking fights and winning fights and beating people down. But apparently that's not enough for Zoro-bro." He noticed Luffy start to pout and quickly said, "So maybe we gotta go about it another way, think about what Zoro-bro likes."

It took a lot of effort on Luffy's part, but for Zoro's sake, he thought long and hard. What was something that Zoro considered important? Something that Zoro valued more than his own life? Something that brought out the rare smile in Zoro? He gasped when he came to the right answer. "Booze!"

"Gotta be the booze," Franky nodded, thinking back to the massive party back at Water 7. "That, and sleeping."

"Right. I know what I gotta do. Thanks Franky!" He zoomed out, with his hand firmly planted atop his hat.

* * *

Franky had been trying to build a rubber ducky that could shoot laser beams from its squeaky mouth when a furious Zoro came in. There was dried blood all over his right sleeve, and his left hand was twitching over Wado. "Was the speedo thing your idea?"

"Oh that. Ignore it." Franky pressed forward despite Zoro's shark-teethed shouts. "More importantly, Haramaki-bro. How do you feel about Curly-bro?"

Zoro found the change in topic odd, but his response was automatic. "I hate his guts. Why?"

"Come on. We're all guys here. Just tell me how much you like him."

"I don't!"

"On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate him?"

"Are you even listening to me?!"

"I wonder how I'm supposed to rank denial…an 8?"

"HELL NO!"

"8 it is. Now how do you feel about Luffy-bro?"

Zoro started making sputtering and incoherent noises. "Why are you asking me that?!"

Franky scratched at his hairstyle of the day. Why would Zoro-bro start acting so weird as soon as Luffy-bro was mentioned? He blanched when he came to a conclusion.

_Wait a minute. _

_Don't tell me…_

Zoro-bro was close to figuring out Luffy-bro's manly romantic emotions! His roMANtic emotions! So Franky quickly tried to divert Zoro-bro's suspicions. "Just cuz I'm curious. Don't worry. It's not like he likes you or anything."

The anger instantly vanished from Zoro's face. "…Tch. Of course he doesn't."

"Naw, man. I mean, you're his swordsman and all. Just NO romantic feelings whatsoever, that's all I'm saying."

Zoro gave a jerky nod; something about him was practically deflating. Franky got the feeling he might have broken something, so he smacked the swordsman upside the head.

"Gah! What the hell was that for?!"

"I was trying for the restart button."

"Are you insane?!

"Apparently it worked, because you're ok again."

Zoro stormed out. Any longer in there, and he would have sliced the cyborg up into a thousand tiny little metal cubes.

* * *

Franky's first rubber ducky was so successful, that he eventually made a whole platoon of duckies, even giving them names like Private Bill and Corporal Quackers. He was just about to place a tiny hat on Major Waddle when Luffy came back and collapsed onto the workshop floor. There were footprints all over his body and lumps on his head.

Franky glanced at him. "We under attack or something?"

"Even worse," Luffy groaned. "Sanji wouldn't let me steal any alcohol. And Nami got mad when I tried to gather all the pillows on the ship and put them in Zoro's hammock."

"Mine too?"

"Yeah. Nami made me put them all back though."

"Oh. Good." Franky felt sorry for the exhausted pile next to him, and considered holding back on his report. But then again, he wasn't one to mince words. "Tough news, little bro. I just checked in on Zoro's feelings for the chef, and you got an uphill battle ahead of you."

Luffy groaned in a mixture of despair and physical pain.

"But don't worry! I'm not done with my SU-per plans until you are."

Luffy laid motionless but for a moment, before he raised his head with new determination in his eyes. "What's next, Franky?"

Franky smirked; as expected of his captain. "We gotta scope out your competition. Follow chef-bro around; try to figure out his weakness."

"But what if Sanji asks what I'm doing?"

"Just say you're doing it for LOVE!"

Luffy nodded, seeing as how that was basically the truth.

"And try to be nice and offer to help with stuff. That'll make you less suspicious."

* * *

From the moment Luffy had pre-emptively set the table, Sanji knew something was wrong; he just didn't know what. Nor did he feel like disrupting whatever weird plan his captain had going for him, even if the intense staring was getting a little creepy. It was nice that for once, Luffy actually listened when he was told to stop spitting his food halfway across the table, or stealing off the ladies' plates.

But the meal had already winded down, and Luffy was almost done washing the dishes, even though it had been Usopp's turn. Meanwhile, everyone else had found an excuse to hang around in the galley. They alternated between whispering to each other and cautiously glancing Luffy's way. The exception was that Franky had a shit-eating grin on his face, which Sanji preferred not to ask about.

"Luffy." Sanji decided to broach the subject.

"Yeah."

"What's up with you tonight?"

Luffy dropped the dish he was drying. "I- I- dunno! I'm not doing anything weird! What are you talking about?"

Having caught the fallen dish on the tip of his foot, Sanji bounced it back into his hands. "Uh huh? Like actually listening to me for once?"

"Yes! I mean no! I mean, I'm not!"

"I'm not mad about you acting like this, if that's what you're worrying about." Actually, Sanji admitted to himself, he could get used to this. "I just wanna know why."

Luffy wringed the dishcloth in his hands before he remembered what Franky had told him. He put the cloth down onto the counter. He closed the distance between him and Sanji, then looked him straight in the eye. "For love."

The result was sheer pandemonium, with screams of various pitches filling the air.

Sanji dropped with a painful thud onto the floor, foaming at the mouth.

Zoro unconsciously tightened his grip around his beer bottle. With a cracking sound, all that remained was a handful of bloody glass shards; a bit like how his heart currently felt.

* * *

Luffy and Franky managed to sneak out of the galley while everyone was mentally compromised. They converged in Franky's workshop to see how they could salvage this situation.

"I don't know about all this," Luffy admitted. "I'm starting to think I'm making everything worse."

"That's the point, bro! It's like I always say. Things gotta get worse before they get better."

Luffy made a sound of understanding. "So that's why you're always making things explode."

They were interrupted by a knock at the door, which opened to reveal Robin.

"Oi, Oi, Robin-sis! Can't you see we're having a private, man-to-man conversation?"

"Really? I'm sorry to interrupt, then. Nami was talking about confiscating your welding torch, if you don't come up to fix the dining table."

Luffy watched Franky run off as speedily as a seven-and-a-half-foot cyborg could. He noticed that Robin hadn't moved from the door.

"Robin? What's up?"

She let herself in, crossing her arms. "For starters, you haven't been very honest with us, Luffy."

"I haven't?"

"Yes. Why didn't you tell anyone about your feelings for Zoro?"

"…How did you know that?!"

An eye bloomed onto Robin's hand. "I've been eavesdropping a bit. Since about the time Zoro stormed across the deck with a bloody nose."

Luffy sighed, resigning himself to reveal everything. "Well, I did tell Franky. We've been trying to figure out how to, um, 'win Zoro'."

"Is that so. But I'm assuming from the chaos today that you only told him recently. How long have you felt this way?"

"A while," he shrugged. He looked at Robin's face, which was waiting for an explanation. "I don't even know when it started. I guess my feelings just got bigger and bigger, until I figured it out."

"Then why haven't you said anything about it?" Robin felt some dissatisfaction on her part that she'd let such a significant thing slip her observation.

"Because I didn't want to make Zoro sad. Or Sanji."

She frowned. "Why would they be sad?"

"Because they like each other."

"I was not aware of that."

"Eh? But you and Nami say that all the time!"

"Ah. That is true." She had occasionally joined in on Nami's casual suggestions that Zoro and Sanji had a thing for each other, just to watch the two men bluster. But then again, she had also made morbid predictions of everyone's deaths, and Luffy hadn't seemed to take them seriously.

Robin found herself patting Luffy's head in silent apology. She'd had suspicions about the relationship between Luffy and Zoro, but the two had such a strange bond; vague yet unbreakable, trapped somewhere between love and loyalty. If only they had been a bit more obvious about their affections, she would have gone about things a different way, perhaps even given them a helping hand (or several more). At the very least, she wouldn't be stuck running damage control for Franky right now.

"I think you need to have a long and honest talk with Zoro."

"I do?"

She nodded wisely.

"But I don't wanna make Zoro feel bad."

"Then answer me this. How strong do you think Zoro is?"

"The strongest! …Except for maybe me."

"Fufufu. Then I think he'll be strong enough to accept whatever you tell him."

* * *

After what happened in the galley, Zoro had stumbled back to the crow's nest for some training. It took about fifty reps of overhead sword swings for Zoro to realize that his mind was absolute shit at the moment and he couldn't concentrate on his form. As he lowered his sword, his miserable reflection frowned back at him.

It used to be enough just to love his captain. There wasn't a need to shove his feelings in Luffy's face. not when the only things the guy cared about were FOOD and NAKAMA and PIRATE KING! It was enough to stand by his side, the two of them fighting for their own dreams while also protecting each other's.

So he'd been completely unprepared for the revelation that Luffy could actually hold romantic feelings for someone. And the _shit cook_, of all people.

Even if the most often Luffy had every really yelled for someone was with a "SANJI! FOOD!"

And looking back, Luffy did always try to storm his way into the galley, no matter how many times he was sent flying with a lethal kick. A bitterness welled up in Zoro's stomach when he thought of how Sanji could carelessly brush off his captain's constant affection, when it was something that he…Zoro grit his teeth. He refused to say he hoped for it, he sounded too desperate.

And sure, Sanji was usually the one to haul Luffy out of the ocean. Meanwhile, Zoro was left fishing out Chopper, who had also valiantly dived in.

_But that's because he told me to_, Zoro frantically tried to argue. Not explicitly. But once he'd gotten over his post-drowning stupor, Luffy would smile at Zoro, and Zoro had assumed that Luffy was saying, _thanks for taking care of our nakama._

But then Zoro had to wonder if he'd imagined it. Maybe he'd been imagining all the silent conversations that he'd had with Luffy, and he'd just assumed they were on the same wavelength. Maybe he'd never been designated to go after the other devil fruit user. Or maybe he had been, but only so that Sanji would be the one to rescue Luffy.

His negative thoughts stole away the strength from his limbs, and the katana in his arm felt heavier. He was so distracted, he didn't even hear the noise from below until Luffy rocketed himself directly into the crow's nest. Zoro fumbled with the sword in his hands and just barely caught it before he ended up with an amputated toe.

"You ok?" Luffy asked, instantly worried. He'd never seen Zoro nearly drop his swords before.

"Yeah." Zoro quickly returned his sword to its scabbard. "What's up."

"Can I talk to you?"

"...What is it?" Zoro wanted to say no. but one look into Luffy's eyes, and he remembered that he had no resistance to his captain. Now that Luffy was here in the flesh, the events in the galley came rushing back to him. He just wanted to get this, whatever it was, over with. Then drown his sorrows in sake. And he was more than willing to dish out some serious pain if the shitty cook tried to stop him tonight.

Meanwhile, Luffy stalled by pulling distractedly at his shirt. He already knew that Zoro was strong enough to handle the truth. But he had to admit to himself that it wasn't just about strength, but also about change. He'd never expected Zoro be anything other than his swordsman, his nakama. And explaining that he'd been thinking about Zoro differently would change things. He wondered if Zoro would try to stay away from him, after everything was out in the open. He wondered if he'd lose that solid presence that always had his back.

"No," Luffy voiced aloud. Zoro started looking at him with confusion, but Luffy didn't care, because he wasn't going to drag things out any longer. He didn't know why, but he just knew that Zoro would always be there for him, no matter what happened. That was one of the reasons he'd felt something for Zoro in the first place. So he took a deep breath and let the words out. "I like you."

I know that," Zoro sighed. He'd already resigned himself to the fact that he was friendzoned for life.

"Oh," Luffy said simply. That was easier than he had expected. Yet he was left feeling slightly disappointed.

"Yeah. Franky told me."

"What?! I thought he was gonna keep it a secret!"

Zoro raised his eyebrows. He didn't think an opinion like that warranted any secrecy. "'S not like it matters. Nothing's changed."

"I guess so," Luffy replied bitterly. Deep down, he'd probably expected something of Zoro. And he realized now he was an idiot for doing so. "So Zoro doesn't like me back."

"Wha- no, I do, but- why do you even care?!"

Luffy tilted his head in confusion. "Because I like you?"

Zoro massaged his temples, having a sudden urge to hurl his weights out the window. "Would you stop saying that?"

"What? That I like you?"

"Yes, that!"

"Why?"

"Because you'll make me misunderstand!"

"Misunderstand what?" Luffy started to get irritated; he was the confused one here!

"That you… that you 'like'-like me!"

"But I do like-like you!"

They gaped at each other, slightly breathless from yelling.

Zoro was the first to break the silence. "You like Sanji."

"Well yeah." He heard Zoro's sharp intake of breath. "I also like Nami and Franky and Chopper and Robin and Usopp too. But Zoro's the only one I like-like."

_Don't jump to conclusions_, Zoro scolded himself. Yet he couldn't help but feel wildly hopeful at those words. "Then that whole thing in the galley?"

"Oh, that. Franky said I needed to, what was it, scope down my competition."

_Competition? What the hell?_ "But that whole "for love" thing…"

Luffy started doing a bashful little shuffle dance with his feet. "It was for Zoro's love?"

Zoro stared at him with wide eyes before he started laughing uncontrollably. "Idiot."

Luffy frowned at the insult, but with Zoro looking so happy, he started laughing too. They sounded slightly hysterical, releasing all the stress from that afternoon. After their laughs started to die down, Luffy asked one last question. "So what about Zoro?"

"Hm?"

"How does Zoro feel about me?"

Zoro didn't say anything at first. He just slowly walked closer. He gently placed his hand on the back of Luffy's head, guiding him forward until their foreheads touched. "What do you think?"

Luffy stared into Zoro's eyes, warm and slightly expectant. He beamed with an excited grin, before closing his eyes.

Zoro accepted the silent permission with a smirk. As he closed in and their lips touched, he felt a thrill of inner satisfaction upon realizing that their wavelengths really had been in sync all along.

* * *

Extra:

Sanji was taking inventory of his pantry, having resurrected from the floor and suppressed any memories of a love confession, when Robin came in.

"Robin-chan! What can I do for you? Would you like some coffee, perhaps? Or a snack?"

Robin took a seat at the dining table. "Would you happen to have any walnuts, Sanji-kun?"

Sanji blinked at the peculiar choice, but complied. "Anything for you, my dearest! I have some shelled ones from the last island that I can crack now-"

"It's fine. I'll do it myself. " She gestured for the nutcracker in Sanji's hand.

"Eh? But Robin-chwan's delicate hands…"

"I don't mind." Her smile sent an involuntary chill down his spine. "I just find myself with a sudden impulse to crack some nuts."


End file.
